Private

Joel and I agreed that if he would blog, I would blog. This was supposed to take place last night. Well, he did - and I didn't. I thought a lot about what I wanted to say. And about what I didn't want to say. I knew that the title was going to be "Private". But when it came down to it, I went Christmas shopping instead. So now here I am a day late and a dollar short - uh, make that $167 short!

The reason I titled today's post "Private" is because that is how I have been feeling lately. I think that is the reason I have not blogged in over a month. I am not a private person by nature. So this feeling surprises even me. I am usually an open book. I tend to spill my feelings and secrets and stories and frustrations quite freely. I have had many things on my mind, but I have not felt the need to hash (and re-hash) them over publicly.

In the second chapter of Luke, the Bible tells the story of Jesus' birth. The angels are singing and the shepherds are proclaiming the news of His birth. Kings and commoners and farm animals are crowded around His manger. So much is going on at this moment in history. And yet........the scripture goes on to say, "but Mary treasured all these things in her heart." And I can relate to that feeling so much right now! And not just because Christmas is rapidly making its way to town. I am so thankful for my little family. It's more than I can effectively express in words. But I can say that my heart, like Mary's, is full of hope for the future. It is full of an awareness that I am alive at an important time in history. It is full of a sense of purpose.

I could go on and on and keep trying to express all that I am thinking and feeling right now. But I think I'd rather just treasure these things in my heart for a little while longer.

(Interestingly enough, Joel blogged about privacy, too. Check out his blog at http://thistlelane.spaces.live.com)

One Year Later

I have been blogging for a year now. Hard to believe. It's also hard to believe that I'm another year older. I celebrated (and celebrated and celebrated) my birthday over two weeks ago. On the day of, I got my hair done, met my girlfriends at my favorite Thai restaurant and then got my toes done with Jules. And to top it off, Mark, Syd and I went with my parents to Cheesecake Factory for dinner that night! The next night Mark and I met some more friends at Margot, my favorite "trendy" restaurant. We mostly drank wine and laughed. To round off the eating frenzy, we had dinner at my parents' later that weekend. Betsy made mouth watering chicken enchiladas and cheese cake........

Five pounds. In case you were wondering how many pounds I have packed on. FIVE! Now, I don't think I gained them all during my birthday week, but it has definitely been in the nine weeks since school started!

And how do I know it has been nine weeks since school started?? Why, report cards came out today, of course! There were no surprises. We had our parent/teacher conference last week and Miss Robinson went over everything with us. Our favorite quote from Syd's teacher: "Sydney is showing a lot of leadership skills for a Kindergartner - some may call it bossy - but I choose to call it leadership!" We laughed. We live with this child and are no strangers to her personality traits. I was so nervous beforehand. I guess every parent wants their child to be the smartest and most well-behaved. But it seems that Syd has trouble being a good listener sometimes and she has not quite mastered writing her lower case letters and the number 2! These things were outweighed by the fact that Sydney is an eager participant in all activities and is empathetic toward her friends. It's a little harder to teach that stuff, huh?

So, a year ago I couldn't have predicted how things would look today. I thought Sydney would be going to a different school. I wouldn't have dreamed I'd have a part-time job. Juliana had not even gone into the studio yet. Mark's new deal was no where near done. Things look better than I would've thought back then. It has been a tough year at times, but I am better because of it. With or without the five pounds.

The Stars Are Aligning..........In Their Own Timing

A friend and co-worker paid me a high compliment yesterday. She had downloaded Juliana Cole's record off iTunes and really liked the music. She walked into school yesterday and asked me, "What in the world are you doing working in the workroom if you are writing these great songs??" My sentiments exactly. Well, not exactly. Because I am thankful for the job. The little bit of extra money helps. But I agree with her in that Juliana (Jules will heretofore be referred to by her artist name - cuts down on the confusion!) is in L.A. and Phoenix doing gigs and TV shows and I am making 110 white paper barns for 1st graders! That's really just the nature of the entertainment business, though. One day you're waiting tables (or making copies) and the next thing you know you're riding in a limo headed to an awards show. It happens all the time. I have faith that it's going to happen for us. It's just the darn lag time. Or God's timing. I want it now. But there are greater forces at work that I don't understand. Maybe it will all make sense in retrospect.

For now, I am grateful for any good news. Last Tuesday, the day that Juliana's record was released, we found out that she was featured on the main page of iTunes. Mark says this is huge - and he knows these things. Two days later we found out that the record was charting on iTunes. Number 91 in sales out of thousands of pop artists! So, strangers are buying this record?? I only bought ONE - it's not like we're stacking the deck or anything! Juliana called while I was writing this blog. The show went great last night. One of those shows that goes off without a hitch. Effortless. And there were four music supervisors from various film and TV companies in attendance. The guy from ABC emailed this morning to say how great he thinks Juliana's music is. And then the TV show went great this morning in Phoenix. Everything is falling into place. Slowly.........but surely. One of these days in the not too distant future, I know we will get some BIG good news. Life changing good news.

Until then, you will find me in the workroom at the elementary school. Humbled, thankful and full of expectation.

www.julianacole.com

Here are the pictures to prove it

Soccer Moms for David Cook!





How cute is he in that hat??







Archie didn't want to get near us. Said he was "sick"........yeah, sure...........





and finally............there was Mrs. IdolSmith's mini mid-life crisis!






The signing of the shirt!





Quote from Mrs. IdolSmith: "I wish I wasn't smiling QUITE so big!"

American Idol Tour Review (or "Who let those soccer moms loose in Dallas??)

I would like to introduce you to my guest blogger, Mrs. IdolSmith. That's her screen name from our "Fantasy" American Idol League. She is a HUGE Jason Castro fan. She joined his fan club and started connecting with other Castro fans online (aka Dreadheads!) Naturally, she wanted to attend the Jason Castro Fan Club BBQ that was thrown by his church ladies just outside Dallas. We worked up the following report for our fellow competitors. Bear in mind that most of our teams were comprised of artists, managers, songwriters, agents, etc. Mrs. IdolSmith, however, is a "civilian" - and she brings an innocence to it all that is...... er, refreshing? (I am Mrs. SimonSays)

Take it away, Mrs. IdolSmith!

LUNCH WITH PROF B
We arrived in Dallas around 1 pm and met Prof B at Mi Cocina for lunch. He was really nice and I'm so glad I finally got to meet the famous professor! I wish he hadn't had to do responsible things like teach class on Monday night, because it would have been fun for him to go to the concert with us. Although, he may have out shouted me when our boy Jason took stage.
(Mrs. SimonSays' 2 cent's worth: It was great to see Prof B - he was his wonderfully jaded, sarcastic self!)

THE BBQ
Having never been a part of a fan club I was excited to go to the BBQ and meet my new friends. We had a hard time finding where it was and finally saw someone enter a building by a pool in the city park. Okay, if there had not been Jason signs and music, I would have turned around thinking we had interrupted bingo night at the community center. It seemed some were stuck in a time warp. I felt a little ovewhelmed at first, but after mingling around and putting screen names with faces, I thought,"Hey! these are my people! Let's have some BBQ!" Several, as Mrs. SimonSays put it, were definitely "waving the crazy flag", but most were just good ole Castro fans.
(Mrs. SimonSays' two cent's worth: Mrs. IdolSmith was shell-shocked (bless her heart), but it was exactly what I expected. Prof B and I TRIED to warn her! For all you music biz insiders - some of these folks would show up on your "Weird Fan List". (bless their hearts)).

AUTOGRAPH SEEKING
We heard people were gathering at the AA Center to try and meet the Idols when they arrived into town, so on Monday around 12:30 pm we headed to the AA Center parking lot at close to 100 degrees. Mrs. SimonSays kept saying that she seriously doubted anyone was coming out to sign autographs and that if they did she would be really surprised. I never wondered if they would come out, it was just a question of when. We had fun standing near some twenty-somethings and with a few girls who had snuck out of their downtown offices and were somewhat embarrassed to be there. After about 2 hours of standing and talking, here come the buses! Very shortly after that, out comes David Cook! Mrs. SimonSays was falling all over herself! It was nuts! She forgot all about being too cool for school and jumped in a picture faster than anything. Then out comes Archie who was coughing and acting sick and didn't want to stand close to anyone. We talked to Kristy Lee a little bit and she said she was looking for houses in Nashville. Finally comes Jason! Yea! We saw a fan give Jason her cell phone to talk to a friend or something and I was wishing so bad we could make Mr. Seacrest Out’s day with a call from Jason, but I didn't have his cell number. We all know how much he loved Jason, and rightly so. Jason signed the back of my shirt with a smiley face that had dreads! And then of course we took a picture. I wish I wasn't looking SO happy, but I was laughing because I actually could NOT believe that I was there hugging Jason Castro! *sigh*I know its sick, so sick. The culmination of my mini mid-life crisis! (Yep, Mr. Team 35, just wait until you turn 40, you’ll be the first one buying the sports car.)
We were sad we didn’t get to see Johnsie. I thought Mrs. SimonSays was going to shed a tear or two, but after some guacamole and a margarita she forgot all about it. (Good thing Mrs. Commish decided to take a trip with the Mr. instead of coming with us. It would have been a wasted trip with no Johnsie sighting, plus waiting on the buses could have ruined her reputation).
The Dreadhead in charge of making gift bags with all kinds of Texas shaped snacks for the Idols asked me to bring my cookies (I had posted a picture of them back in May -at the height of my sickness and addiction to his fan club website). I wrapped them up in cellophane and put an official sticker on the back with ingredients. Since we own a restaurant I know how to do it right. We missed seeing Brooke because she came out so late and we were starving and hot, but we heard that she came out and said that she had broken into the chips and salsa and eaten the Jason cookie! I am sure he was scrumptious.
(Mrs. SimonSays' two cent's worth: I have to admit, this part was a little humbling for me - as I am more accustomed to being ON the bus with my artist friends - not WAITING on the bus! But the pictures that we got were well worth being pressed against sweaty fans for two hours! As far as the goody bags - file this under the "items that never make it past the road manager" category.)

THE SHOW
The show was AWESOME! I thought every one of them was much better live than on TV. It may have something to do with singing the same three songs for the past 6 weeks and no Simon, but whatever it was, they were really good. I loved Brooke and Johnsie of course. I thought Jason did great, especially when he sang the Gnarls Barkley song "Crazy". He waved a Texas flag and got a big hometown welcome. I was reminded while listening to him that he and Brooke are what I like- the singer/songwriters types. Brooke sang Coldplay's "Yellow" and Fiest "1,2,3,4" She was so good! David A. was great too! The little girl next to me had been quiet all night and when he took stage she squeezed her teddy bear (honestly) and screamed with her eyes shut. David Cook was great with the audience and seemed very much the leader. We saw a fan give him a black cowboy hat when we were at the buses and he was so happy to get it. When they all came out for the final song, he was wearing the cowboy hat and it got passed around to Brooke, Kristy, Jason, Carly -as they danced and sang to the Commish's favorite song "Please Don't Stop the Music"!
I am excited now that I have one more concert to look forward to! Taking the boys to Evansville in a couple of weeks -seats 6th row from the stage! Sure you don't want to come with me again, Mrs. SimonSays? Bessie Moo? Anyone?
Mr. IdolSmith said this is the year my children will remember their mother running off to chase the American Idols. I have the Commish to partly thank for all this. If he had not been so persistent in falsely accusing Jason of being a stoner, I wouldn’t have been driven to the AI boards for research and would have never met all my new friends online and become an addict. He’s lucky Mr. IdolSmith didn’t press charges. I can only come to one conclusion, IdolSchmidoling is not for the weak at heart.
(Mrs. Simon Says' two cent's worth: Cooksy, Johnsie and Brooke were great - came across like true artists - well, except for that cover tune thing! Chikeze and Ramielle were boring, Kristy Lee was robotic, Carly started good, but got annoying, Archie sang great, but had zero personality and we agreed to go buy souvenirs for the kids during Syesha's set. Castro was what you would expect. That is as diplomatic as I can be. I did enjoy the show, but I will have to decline the offer to repeat these shenanigans in Evansville!)

Job Description

Your "work" day will include the following:

Lounging on the deck in the sun - for about 5 minutes
Lying on the couch for a couple of hours
Lounging on the deck again - for about 5 minutes
Lying on Sydney's bed for a couple of hours
Afternoon nap under the coffee table
Lounging on the deck - for about 5 minutes
Going for a lovely jaunt around the neighborhood in the evening
Your day may or may not include rummaging through the garbage can
You will end your day with your choice of either lying on a cushion next to the bed
or sneaking into Sydney's room to lie on her soft blanket which falls into the floor every night

Oh? Does this sound like your average day??

Then you must be one of my dogs, Maggie or Holly!

Consider My World Rocked

Change is almost always good. And it is often hard. I consider myself to be a somewhat easy going, even spontaneous, kind of person. But I swear my new routine is killing me! I have not set an alarm clock in years, not unless we were heading on a fabulous vacation and had to catch an early flight. When our alarm went off at 6:15 last Monday morning, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. Nevertheless, an hour later Sydney was dressed for her first day of Kindergarten, thanks to Mark. And I was dressed for my first day of work. We got to Syd's school on time where we threaded our way through a sea of video camera-carrying dads and teary moms in the kindergarten hallway. She was very brave as we kissed her goodbye, then left her in a room full of small strangers. Mark went on to the "Boo Hoo Breakfast" for the parents of Kindergartners and I hustled across town to the School Board for my orientation.

After two hours of being spoken "down" to (the speaker addressed us as if we were an audience of 1st graders!), I was released to return to the school and start my job. It could not have been a better first day. People went out of their way to introduce themselves to me and make me feel welcome. The office worker that I was for 15 years slowly started to awaken. I found myself falling easily back into the camaraderie that comes from working together. I was briefed on who's who and who doesn't get along with who and most importantly, what we do for lunch.

On the days that I didn't work at the school, I learned the rules of drop off and pick up. It is a well-choreographed operation that takes place every morning and afternoon with buses, cars, hangtags and walkie talkies. I just followed the car in front of me and did whatever they did and hoped they weren't a Kindergarten parent too! By Thursday night, when I laid out our clothes and made our lunches I was truly feeling like I was getting the hang of this new life. "I can do this," I thought to myself.

And then the alarm went off at 6:15 Friday morning - with no consideration for the long night we had, no consideration for the dog who was sick all night or Sydney who kept getting in bed with us or Mark who finally gave up and watched TV in the middle of the night. I just had to chuckle and realize that it may take some time to adjust to this significantly changed schedule.

So I find myself very tired lately. Very tired, but thankful.

News Flash

I found out today that I got the job. Yeah, I know I didn't tell very many of you that I had interviewed for it. It's a part-time job at Sydney's new school. I'll be an "office assistant" (translation - "makin' copies!") 3 days a week. The principal apologetically told me that it's not a glamorous job and it doesn't pay very well. "Perfect!" I thought to myself. Seriously, that is just perfect for me. I mean, I'm not looking for a career. I already have two: mom and songwriter. I was just looking for a way to help out financially now that Syd will be in Kindergarten. I'm a little nervous to re-enter the work force (can I wear jeans? how will it feel to have a boss again?), but I'm looking forward to the camaraderie. I immediately liked the women who I will be working with. I feel very blessed to have gotten the offer, as there were many applicants. This may sound silly, but it feels really good to be chosen for something! In the songwriting world, getting turned down is something you get used to. Not that you ever LIKE getting turned down, it's just something that comes with the territory.

WHICH brings me to a little point of clarification. Last week when I wrote my two sentence blog, I wasn't trying to be cryptic. I just couldn't give a lot of details because feelings could have been hurt. I CAN tell you that it was a songwriting thing. It had to do with how difficult cuts are to come by in this business and how any and EVERY cut should be appreciated. But I'm over it now. I am trying to gracefully distance myself from the hoopla.

Lately I've been saying that if I wasn't FROM here, I'd be moving home. Maybe that's what this part-time job is for me. A way to take a break and re-group. A change of scenery. In a job where you see results for your hard work.

The weird thing is that the ideas keep coming. Stronger than ever. I guess my muse left a forwarding address.........

More proof that life does not always make sense:

When someone gets something that means nothing to them - that would have meant the world to you. Go figure.

Honestly

It's hard to know exactly how to follow last week's post. I feel like that was my Jerry Maguire "mission statement". (Which, by the way, comes pretty close to being the perfect movie in my book: football movie meets chick flick!)

Thank you for your supportive responses. (most in the form of phone calls and emails - you cyber rebels!) It felt good to be honest. After further thought, I've realized that honesty is what this is all about anyway. I mean, I've pretty much been living life how I want to - cooking, raising Sydney, loving Mark, deepening my friendships. And writing when I felt like it. But I told YOU what I thought you wanted to hear. That I was perfectly balancing the writing with the parenting. Pursuing it hard. Competing with the best of them. Truth is, I haven't had anything resembling a "full time" writer's schedule in 5 years. (a little bundle, who I instantly fell in love with, changed all that) I have had seasons of very prolific writing. And seasons of very little writing. But I have done the best that I can do. I have said this before: I hope the seeds that I have sown will take root and grow. I really do. But I can say that it feels good to have hope in the future - whether the future holds musical success, or not.

Now, if I continue to be honest, I have to say that all of this is easier said than done. I met Jennifer for lunch this week. She had read my blog and was graciously hashing things over with me. She caught me in a vulnerable moment. (partially attributed to the fact that I had just come from a kickboxing class where I had to put my head between my knees to keep from passing out! I didn't have the energy to be "upbeat"!) I confessed that I was sad and hurt about how some things in my career turned out. I told her how I was relieved to finally be letting some things go, but I couldn't help feeling a sense of loss. A sense of loss for how I THOUGHT things were supposed to work out. Because I was honest and because I let my guard down, we had one of the best discussions we've had in years. It was like old times. And she had such good perspective. She told me that my marriage is one of the most loving she has ever seen and that Syd is one of the most precious little girls she has ever known. She encouraged me to truly ENJOY my sweet little family.

And that is exactly what I plan to do.

Existence: Justified

I need to say something publicly. To the four of you. Okay, I think it's more like 20-25 of you who are so kind to read my blog. There is something I've been hearing myself say a lot lately. Maybe I've said it to you. I will be in a conversation and will say, "When Sydney starts Kindergarten in the Fall I will be able to have a normal writing schedule! I plan to write 3 or 4 days a week!" And inside I'm going, "Are you crazy?? I do NOT want to write anywhere near that much! Not songs, anyway." I think I say it to justify my existence. To prove that I'm a "professional writer." If I'm honest, I have to tell you that my heart pounds when I think about Syd starting Kindergarten. I don't often acknowledge how fulfilling it is being her mom. What I'm looking at is five long days a week. 8:00 to 3:00. I'm going to have a lot of time on my hands. And now that I have time to do what I THOUGHT I wanted to do, I'm not so sure it's what I want anymore.

Don't get me wrong. I will always be a songwriter. But I am re-defining exactly what that means for my life. When I was in California, I was telling Jules that there's something I love about the Hollywood mentality. Work hard for 3 or 4 months and then take a couple months off. It's the ebb and flow. I have loved writing for Julie's project. Writing FOR something. For me, it's so much more gratifying than writing just because I have an appointment. Again, don't get me wrong. I love writing when there's inspiration and a great idea, but I can't (won't, really) keep scheduling appointments just because it's what I think I should be doing.

So, here's the more accurate version of what next year will look like for me: I will write songs when I want to. When I feel like it. With my friends. And there will be times that I get inspired and will pull out my guitar and write some things by myself. I will spend a lot of time at Sam & Zoe's - blogging and writing fiction. And I will cook. Have I mentioned how much I love to cook? Probably not, because that doesn't sound very "cool." But I love it. I love dicing up garlic, onion, peppers and broccoli and stir frying them and concocting new sauces for my Chinese dishes. I love cooking my mom's recipes that she has lovingly written down for me in a cookbook. And I love cooking for other people. I love having people on our deck and in our kitchen and dining room. I love taking dinner to people who need a little help. Yes, there will be lots of cooking come Fall.

But I imagine next year will be busy. Much busier than I'm anticipating now. Jules' record will take off and I think (no, I BELIEVE) we will get some big film and television placements. We have purposely put all of our eggs in one basket. We have chosen to do things very differently than how they do it on Music Row. Things COULD still happen for me on Music Row. But it won't be because I have knocked myself out and jumped through hoops. I've been there, done that.

And down deep, I DO believe my existence is justified. According to God, anyway. And Mark and Sydney.

A Nun's Wisdom

Thirty three thousand feet above the rolling hills of Tennessee, anything seemed possible. It was two days ago and I was on a plane flying back from California. Julie and I had a great time. We had a good meeting with Northstar, we dreamed about the future and we shot some video footage. We drank wine and ate at little outdoor cafes and agreed it was the calm before the storm. The air crackled with possibility.

As the plane made its descent, I ached for Sydney and Mark, who would soon be in my arms. It felt so good to be HOME. But I can't say it felt great to be back in Nashville. Even before my baggage came, I was already thinking about all the things I should be doing. I should be playing my guitar. I don't have any writing sessions planned for this week and I really should be writing. I should be writing songs by myself. I should be going out to more shows. I should be networking more. Should, should, should.

I put all this pressure on myself. It is so hard to separate my life from my career. Even sitting here at Sam and Zoe's today, I am inundated by music business talk as snatches of conversations float my way. It makes me feel competitive. It makes me feel behind. But in reality, I have worked SO hard the past year and a half. At some point I have to trust that those seeds I've planted will grow. And will be something beautiful. There will always be something else I could or should be doing. But I wish I could enjoy my day to day life more. If only I could just let go of the "shoulds" and wholeheartedly go to the zoo with Syd and the art museum and cook for my friends and family and sit on the deck and catch up with my sweetheart.

I just remembered something that I can apply to my life through this stretch. In Brennan Manning's book "Lion and Lamb:the Relentless Tenderness of Jesus" he tells of a nun who greatly impacted his life. His favorite quote from her?

"Don't SHOULD on yourself!"

Amen, Sister!

Bittersweet

Have you noticed how the bad things happen right alongside the good things? I used to find it unnerving. But the older I get, I think I am just thankful that the good things are there at all. Here's what's on my mind:

I am very sad about the passing of Tim Russert. What a well-loved man. I'm glad his family got to spend time with him in Italy. And I'm glad he got to meet with the Pope. Apparently he collapsed while working on voice overs for Meet The Press. He truly LIVED right up until the moment of his death. And that inspires me. But I'm mostly just sad.

Mark and I laughed very hard today. Sydney and I had gone Father's Day shopping and to the Y and to Publix. I kept reminding Syd that the present was a secret until tomorrow. So we got home and I told Mark, "Hey, honey, I got you a little treat - one of those key lime pies from Publix!" And then, without missing a beat, Sydney goes, "AND we got you a WATCH from Target!" Mark and I couldn't stop chuckling in the kitchen while Sydney stood there looking at us asking, "What!? What's so funny??"

We are becoming friends with a family from Sydney's preschool. Meghan has breast cancer. Really bad. She is going through chemo before they can even do the surgery. Vivian is 3 and Will is 1. Bill is doing everything in his power to hold his little family together. It just occurred to me why Syd insisted on buying a head wrap at Target today. She was admiring Meghan's the other day. She also was admiring her bald head. Please pray for them if you think about it!

I wrote a MELODY the other night. Me, the lyricist. Just heard it in my head and plunked it out on my guitar. Making me think I have built this thing up in my mind to be a bigger deal than it really is. See, I had this delightful new co-writer from Pennsylvania on Thursday. (she reminds me of you, Elizabeth) After solving the world's problems for a couple hours, we wrote a lyric together. A good one. Such a good one that this little melody started haunting me. Laurie, my co-writer, was then able to "pick" it on the guitar - taking it to another level. (not that there's anything wrong with intermittent, clumsy strumming!) Next stop - writing a song, in its entirety, by myself!

See what I mean? Good, bad, good, bad. And so it goes.

There is a scene in one of my favorite movies, Shadowlands, where C.S. Lewis (played brilliantly by Anthony Hopkins) is lamenting the inevitability of his sick wife, Joy's, death. Joy (played by Debra Winger) says something to the effect of "but don't you see? The sadness THEN is because of the happiness NOW."

Life is bittersweet, indeed. But I can safely say that my life is way more sweet than bitter.

Parallel Life

After a year of anticipation, our vacation in Rosemary Beach is over. Just like that. I don't know where nine days went. One beautiful, sunny day melted into the next. And suddenly we found ourselves cleaning out the refrigerator and eating all the frozen things from the freezer. As Mama, Sydney and I consumed pizza and ice cream and fresh corn on the cob that last night, I vowed that next year we'll stay longer.

It was a weird year anyway. It was our third year to go to Rosemary, but this year Mark only stayed for half the week. Exciting stuff is happening in his world. It's just that the timing was a little unfortunate. Mark's first day of his new job at his OWN company is tomorrow. So he spent the latter part of last week moving furniture and computers and office supplies into this quaint, old house on Music Row. (Go check out hearitfirst.com) It's the beginning of a new era.

But if we could live a parallel life, we'd still be in Rosemary. You roll into town and the pace slows. And it is so beautiful. Sally went with us for the first half of the week and she said it reminded her of Italy! The biggest decisions we had to make every day were whether to go to the beach or the pool and where to eat dinner. It's like living in a movie. Kids ride their bikes all over town. Sydney feels like she owns the place. She is so comfortable there.

One night we sat at our favorite sidewalk cafe with David and Shelley and their extended family. The restaurant is right next to "the Western Green" and the ocean is just beyond that. As the sun slipped into the Gulf of Mexico, we watched as grown-ups milled around with glasses of wine and children ran and played on the green. We ate and drank and told stories. And laughed. It was a perfect night.

Shelley called when they got back this afternoon. To commiserate. She said, "One of us has GOT to get rich so we can stay down there all summer!" Amen, sister!

It's back to work for us tomorrow. But in a parallel life we're asking one another, "So, do you want to go to the beach or to the pool today? And what's for dinner?!"

The Day After A Bad Day

We had the swim lesson from Hell yesterday. Sydney has suddenly decided she is terrified of the water. Skills that came easily to her last year, even last week, now reduce her to tears. And I handled it exactly opposite of how I should have. I yelled at her. I demanded to know, "what is WRONG with you?" I took it personally. I couldn't understand why she couldn't just trust that I wouldn't let anything happen to her. I couldn't believe how irrational she was!

Um, yeah, she's FIVE. Irrationality is pretty much a pre-requesite for the job. And then, as if the swim lesson wasn't enough, we got home and she refused to eat her dinner. Mark said she had to go straight to bed if she didn't eat the tiny serving of rice on her plate. Again, she cried and acted like rice was the worst tasting food in the world. She loved rice just last week. She opted to go to bed instead of choke down the offending rice.

In her absence, the night was very long. And I slunk around feeling like the worst mom in the world. I went walking with Susan, who used to teach swimming lessons to young children. She said it is very normal for some children to be fearful and to regress. This made me feel better. And worse. Maybe it is normal for a child to suddenly be afraid of the water, but is it normal for a mom to lose it with the child?!

So I tried to make it up to her today. We went to McDonald's and to the zoo after school. I even agreed to go with her into the Lorikeet habitat. As brightly colored birds swooped dangerously close to my face, I realized that this day was more for me than it was for her. Because she had already forgiven me. I felt it when I snuggled her back into bed in the middle of the night. She put her plump little arm around my neck and said, "Mama, you're the best mom ever!"

McDonald's and the zoo are a feeble attempt compared to a declaration like that.

Seven Months Later

Seven months ago, blogs and blogging were a mystery to me. Now I can say that I have embraced this medium wholeheartedly. I love putting my own thoughts "out there" and I love "eavesdropping" on other peoples' thoughts.

I have tried to be honest. As honest as I can be in a public format. Like I said in my very first blog, I would die if someone were to read the journals of my youth. The musings of my adulthood are not quite as dramatic or heartbroken. Then again, I have purposely NOT blogged on a bad day. Maybe that would be a good exercise sometime. For now, I wanted to take a look at how my goals for the year are coming along.

I said I would write 100 pages of fiction for my novel this year. (October to October - my birth month) Well, that hasn't happened yet. Not one page. But my friend Joel and I have started a writers' group. The fiction writing is still on my radar. It is still a goal.

I said I would write 2 short stories. I've written one 10-page short story!! And it felt wonderful. (thanks, Joel) I feel like it gave me the fiction bug. Makes those 100 pages seem less daunting.

I said I would blog regularly and find other outlets for my non-fiction writing. This goal is on schedule too. I have blogged somewhat regularly and it looks like I will be writing a column for our church newsletter, The Branch, about the blogs of our parishioners. More to come on that as it materializes.

I said I would play one writer's night by my next birthday, which would mean playing my guitar more. My heart races as I write that one. Maybe if I was actually playing my guitar and practicing my singing..........sigh. I did see my guitar teacher, Ellen Britton, in Kroger's dairy aisle last weekend. She absolved me of "working up" all my old stuff and gave me permission to move on to the new stuff. And she raved about Elizabeth and thanked me for sending her. Elizabeth WILL be doing writers' nights before long! I give myself a "needs improvement" on this goal! I'll keep you posted.

I said I would write 3 songs by myself. I did start a song. Lyrics and melody. It's stored in my "garage band" to be revisited later. This goal still seems doable. Since I've been writing a lot lately, I'm becoming aware that I have more melody sensibilities than I thought I did. Ellen (the guitar teacher) used to always tell me, "Julie, you don't have a guitar problem! You have a confidence problem!" Indeed. That applies to many areas of my life. But I'm getting better. Right, Kirsten?

And then things happened that weren't on my list. All pleasant surprises. The North Star Media Film & Television deal. Finding out that I have over half the songs on Julianna Cole's new record. (You'll be hearing about her. She is up and COMING.) Writing with Phil Madeira. Feeling a little bit of new life breathed into my country song-writing career. I am learning to expect the unexpected. In a good way.

Seven months later, I am still trying to find the balance between being Mark's wife, Syd's Mama, a country writer, pop/rock writer, non-fiction and fiction writer. I don't always do the balancing act as gracefully as I would like, but I am happy to say that, for now, all the plates are spinning.

New Blood

I have found a new co-writer. Which is not easy to do. It is much more common to get in a room with someone and find that you just don't connect.

What is equally astounding to me is that he is someone I have been intimidated by for years. Well, I guess I shouldn't say "intimidated". That says more about my baggage than about him. But he's one of those music business veterans. And he's one of the cool guys. We have struck up a friendship because we go to the same church. And because he is now dating a woman I have known since childhood.

I would have never approached him about writing together. It was his idea. Two weeks later, we are working on our 5th song. Jules has joined us on the last two. I was nervous about that, as well, because I so wanted them to hit it off. I worried for nothing because his publishers LOVE our first song together. Chalk it up to good chemistry.

I don't think I truly realized how dry I was creatively until I experienced this unexpected breath of fresh air.

To experience this breath of fresh air for yourself, go to www.myspace.com/philmadeira

Blogger's Block?

We were having dinner with David and Shelley a couple of nights ago and Shelley said, "I'm so sorry I haven't read your blog lately - things have just been really crazy!" I told her not to worry about it, that I haven't blogged in over a month.

"I guess I have writer's block," I said.

And she said, "Don't you mean BLOGGER's block?!"

Yes, I think that's close to what I have. But it's not that I don't have anything to write about. I think it's that I have too MUCH to write about. It's all swirling around in my head. I haven't known where to begin.

Do I begin by telling you about the not one, but TWO bulging discs in my neck?? And how I went to the Emergency Room because I was in such pain, but all I got there were some muscle relaxers and a nasty stomach virus??

Or maybe I start on a more positive note and tell you that I have just signed a "placement agreement" with a film and television company in Los Angeles. Turns out that they love the songs that Jules and I (along with Jeff, Elizabeth, etc.) have been working on for the past year and want to "pitch" them for film, television and advertisements.

I could tell you how excited I am that Jules' record is finished! When I get clearance from her, I'll post the web address for her website. And you'll be able to go see her video on YouTube soon!

And I can't wait to tell you about the exciting developments in Mark's world. He has some big things going on and I have never been more proud of him.

Oh, and there's the writers' group that Joel and I have started! We have to have a 10 page short story finished in the next week or so. Did I mention that Joel is not only a very accomplished songwriter, but he has written THREE novels?? Nerve wracking? You bet! But also extremely inspiring and motivating.

I almost blogged after our anniversary get-away. Mark took me to the Sandestin Hilton in Destin, FL a couple of weeks ago. It was just wonderful. Perfect. As romantic as the beach was, my favorite moment had to be driving home talking about what lies ahead for both of us. For all three of us.

I started formulating some thoughts during our discussion. I might as well try to express them, take them out, try them on for size.

You see, right now, on the cusp of these new opportunities, anything is possible. There is something so real and so raw about the unknown. I have never been good at predicting the future. I almost always underestimate it. But I am learning. We are taking the leap and there is just as much likelihood of soaring success as there is of crashing to the canyon floor below. Sometimes you've just got to go for it.

When I was considering quitting my "day job" eight years ago a wise friend of mine, John Mays, said something that I will never forget. He said, "Julie, you know that scene in the third Indiana Jones movie where Indy has to cross that deep cavern, but there is no visible bridge? Well, as soon as he took the first step out into the abyss, the bridge magically appeared beneath his feet. And that's what it's like when you step out in faith to follow your dreams. You just have to take a deep breath, step out, and trust that your dreams will materialize."

Going after your dreams is not for the faint of heart. So many of my friends and family members who read this blog fall into the brave category. You know who you are. I am so proud of you all. I encourage everyone who reads this to venture into the uncharted territory. Come out on the precipice with us. Our hearts are racing, but the view is spectacular!

Cabin Fever

The official diagnosis is The Flu. Official because Sydney's pediatrician now has a "flu test". He swabbed her nostril (she cried) and we waited 10 minutes for the results which came back "positive". When the doctor left the room Sydney said, "Mama, you said they weren't going to do anything else to me!" She had already been subjected to the strep throat swab and we both thought that would be the worst of it. I'm glad she didn't have strep throat, but at least she would have gotten the "pink medicine"! We missed the 48 hour window for the flu medicine, so we were left to stave off the 102 and 103 degree temperatures with Ibuprofen and Tylenol.

And then suddenly she was better - just two days in. She was back to her regular, energetic self. She was trying to put fairy wings on Maggie the dog. She was jumping rope up and down the hallway. She had challenged me to video games (and beat me hands down! Well, okay, so I have a little better grasp on odd and even numbers than she does, so I did win that one!) This was yesterday. I thought for sure she'd wake up with no fever today and I could even consider sending her to school.

102 degrees! And still raring to go. Talking a mile a minute. Ibuprofen once again brought her fever right down, and I'm scratching my head wondering how fever can be her only symptom.

So I've got two more days with my (healthy) sick child. According to most school guidelines, you can't even think about sending your child to school until they have been "fever free" for 24 hours!

So we'll keep our germs to ourselves. And Maggie and Holly Dog will have to buck up and be patient with the fairy wings, tiaras and necklaces for a couple more days!

Duma Key

I read the new Stephen King novel, Duma Key, over the long weekend. I couldn't stop. I'm embarrassed at how long I let Syd play her video game on President's Day, with me sitting there turning the pages like a mad woman and her saying incredulously, "Mama, can I REALLY play again??" By then, it was too late to be reasonable about it. Even when it got scary toward the middle, I was too hooked to put it down. And it is SO well-written. There is humor right alongside the creepy ghost ship scenes.

This book is about life imitating art - literally! The main character is in a terrible accident at a construction sight. He wakes up in the hospital with a scrambled brain, a missing right arm and the uncanny ability to change reality through his painting.

Brilliant. And even though it did scare me a little, it was also brilliant how it suddenly turned into a ghost story.

I loaned my copy to Sydney's teacher, Ms. Tracy. At first she told me she didn't like scary books, but when I said "oh, it's nothing like say - the Shining!" She said that she loved The Shining and it didn't scare her at all.

Okay then. Duma Key might seem like Mary Had A Little Lamb to her! But I was pleasantly surprised by my first Stephen King novel.

On Writing

Stephen King is my new favorite author. And I haven't read a single one of his novels. However, I just finished his book about writing called "On Writing".

My friend Elizabeth had recommended it to me a long time ago, but I just wasn't interested because I'm not a fan. Or so I thought. When I finally gave in and read it, "On Writing" was inspiring, funny, practical and very, very honest. There are books that Steve hardly remembers even writing because he was so drunk when he wrote them. He describes the poverty and struggle and success and alcoholism in detail. Watching his story unfold, I was reminded again that there is something within creative people that is broken. Or at least within me and a lot of my creative friends (you know who you are!) We fight contentment. We often shy away from the light.

As I read "On Writing" I started wondering if maybe the ability to see the darkness, to write from it, is a gift. I think what I mean by "darkness" is just the day to day disappointment and angst of being human. The common struggle. In a fallen world. Darkness feels more honest to me and honest writing is, I believe, more compelling. People don't go around feigning sadness, but how often do we meet someone "putting on a brave face", feigning happiness? That's boring to me. I want the nitty gritty of what's really going on.

Well, that whole darkness thing was sort of a tangent. I wanted to tell you my favorite thing Stephen King said in the book. He said that great writers not only write a lot, the READ a lot. He reads around 80 books a year. Those of you who know me well, know this was music to my ears. I love to read. It is an obsession. Maybe I can now take it out of the "luxury" category! I HAVE to read. Stephen King said so.

And now I will start my first novel by my favorite author. Maybe I'll give you a book report on his new 600 pager, called Duma Key!

Rodney, Part 2

WSIX played Rodney's new George Strait single on the radio this morning. There is a segment that disc jockey, Gerry House, does called "You Be The Judge". He plays a brand new single and then listeners call in and rate the song on a scale of 1 to 10. The name of the song is "I Saw God Today" and the listeners LOVED it. They gave it all 10s (and even a couple of 20s!)

And then I sat in the car at Sam & Zoe's with the rain drizzling down the windshield talking on the phone to Rodney. I had, of course, called him as soon as the song came on, but had gotten his voice mail. He called back and said that he had, indeed, heard his song because Nicolle has been getting up and turning on the radio in the mornings. It was one of those phone conversations that catapulted me back in time.

It was May of 2002 and I was in Rodney's home town, Gruver, Texas on a writing trip. He was still farming full-time and making monthly trips to Nashville. I think we wrote a couple of pretty good songs, but what made the biggest impression on me was when Rodney took me out to his family's farm. The panhandle had been experiencing one of the worst droughts in recent history and farming was not going well at all. We stood in the cornfield and he showed me how the corn stalks were only about half the size that they should be. I remember saying something to the effect of, "Well, Rodney, I predict that there will come a day when your songs will pay the bills and you won't even have to farm anymore!"

I'll never forget the image of Rodney reaching down and picking up a clump of hardened sod. He crushed it in his hand, and as dust fell through his fingers and to the ground, he said, "Julie, I appreciate the way you've always believed in me, but right now the hope for my songwriting is as dry as this dirt."

Today, back in the present, I just had to smile as Rodney, who quit farming two years ago, casually used words like "George Strait", "highest debut" and "great reviews". Furthermore, he keeps hearing reports that people are MOVED by the song. I won't give away what it's about, but it would seem that God is using this song to touch people.

This is all so encouraging to me. The thing is, if something is meant to be, it will be. I will work as hard as I can and I will believe as much as I can. The rest is out of my hands.

I guess you could say, right here at Sam and Zoe's, in the pouring down rain, I saw God today.

Acknowledgment

It was a sell-out crowd at the Bluebird Cafe Thursday night. We were crammed into the "church pew" section because we had not been able to get a table. As it was a benefit for Alive Hospice, "big names" were to perform in the round. The songs would run the gamut from "Live Like You Were Dying" to "Bette Davis Eyes". I had no expectations for Rodney to sing our Jason Aldean cut. After all, he has accumulated quite the repertoire of radio hits (Lost In This Moment by Big & Rich, Amarillo Sky by Jason Aldean and Sweet Southern Comfort by Buddy Jewell, to name a few.) But about half-way through the show he introduces his next song by saying, "this next song I wrote years ago with my dear friend, Julie Adkison. She's sitting right back there with her husband, next to my wife. She was one of my first co-writers and this is one of my favorite songs I've ever written. We're still crossing our fingers that it's going to be on the radio........" At this point all the other performers were feigning shock that he would play something that was not a hit, since everything else he had played up to that point had at least made it to the top 5 on the country radio charts. He quieted the laughing and chiding with the best performance of "Do You Wish It Was Me" I have ever heard him give. The audience even started whooping and clapping after the first verse and chorus. In that moment, I felt true gratification. Afterwards, I told Rodney that even if the song is never a radio single, that moment was enough for me.

See, there were a number of my peers and colleagues in the audience that night. I shouldn't care what they think of me, but I do and it felt good to be recognized in that way. Acknowledgment is one thing. Public acknowledgment is another thing all together. And I appreciate it more than you know, Rodney. Thank you, my friend.

(I later came to my senses and am once again neurotically agonizing over the shallow promise of "the next single.")

(I'm kidding!)

(sort of)

If you want to go check out Rodney's MySpace it's www.myspace.com/rodneyclawsonmusic

Aussie Influence

I'm supposed to be writing/catching up with my dear, Australian friend, Michelle Tumes, today. But she ended up postponing her trip to Nashville because the opportunity came up to write for a Disney movie in Los Angeles, where she now lives. I have not seen her in 5 years and had not heard from her in 2 years until she emailed last week. We lived together 10 years ago - along with my sister, Betsy and another friend, Elisa. In the last couple of days, as she's been on my mind, it has occurred to me what a huge impact she had on my life in just one year of being roommates.

1997 was a very tumultuous year for me. I had just turned 30 and was coming to grips with the reality of still being single in my 30's. My job as a music publisher was causing me intense stress, especially since my own desire to write songs was awakening. It was the perfect year to live with someone whose life theme is peacefulness.

When I think of Shelley or hear her music, I think of our sun porch and hot lattes and conversations stretching late into the night. I think of our dining room table crowded with friends, laden with beautiful food and really good wine. I think of how she longed for the beaches of Australia and how she resisted the pace of life here in the States. I smile when I remember her cousin coming for a "short visit". He stayed for 6 weeks! Because that's what Australians do. They go on holiday. They just take off work for a month or two so they can travel and rest and enjoy life.

Shelley also introduced me to her church. When I first attended St. B's with her, I thought it was the most reverent, accepting, peaceful place I had ever been. Now, all these years later, Mark, Syd and I have made it our home church. And it is still the most reverent, accepting, peaceful place I have ever been!

When I think of what a perfect day is to me, it always involves a bottle of wine, soothing music, good conversation and an ocean view. Sounds pretty Australian, doesn't it?

(if you would like to sample a slice of this peacefulness, I highly encourage you to go to iTunes and check out Michelle Tumes' music!)

Holding An Old Friend

My fingertips have that familiar sting. This is the consequence of neglecting my guitar for such a long time. A couple of days ago something just came over me. I had the sudden urge to cut off my fingernails, tune my guitar and resurrect my repertoire.

It always amazes me that my fingers remember where to go. A few days ago, I tried to picture in my head how to play a G chord. I couldn't think. I could see the shape my hand should make, but could not have told you which strings to mash down. When I picked up my guitar, my fingers went immediately to the chord. Five minutes later I was flipping the pages of my notebook re-visiting song after song.

Which brings me to WHY I would even want to subject myself to playing a writer's night before my next birthday. You see, I haven't had very many cuts. Maybe 7 or 8 of my songs have gone on to have their own "life". But I have written close to 150. There are probably 20 that are near and dear to my heart. These are the ones I have learned to play. These are the ones that I will "perform" someday. I am not guaranteed another cut - ever. But I didn't write these songs just to have them sit in a drawer somewhere. If I can learn to play and sing them, then they will be heard.

That's all I really want. I want what I have written to be heard. It's so easy to become jaded in this town. So easy to become hardened and to stop believing. I welcome the calluses that will soon form on my fingertips, but I will try hard this time not to have a callused heart.

Copycat

Okay, I know I haven't blogged yet this year, but I was in the mood to post SOMETHING, so I copied my friend Joel who got the idea from his friend Belinda..........they are veteran bloggers so I figured if THEY did it, I could too............


FOUR THINGS:

Four jobs I have had in my life:
Song Plugger
Temp receptionist at Fenders and More (car parts, not a law firm!)
Ski Lift Operator
Personal Assistant

Four movies I would watch over and over:
Ocean's Eleven (Twelve and Thirteen - not so much)
Can't Buy Me Love (I like to think I discovered Patrick Dempsey!)
Romancing The Stone
Die Hard (the first one!)

Four places I have lived:
Abilene, Texas
Auburn, Alabama
Telluride, Colorado
Wilmington, Delaware

Four TV Shows that I Watch:
Lost
Biggest Loser
Life
Dog Whisperer

Four places I have been:
Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
Vancouver, Canada
Nassau, Bahamas
Gruver, TX

Four of my favorite foods:
Chicken Massamun Curry at Jasmine
Sesame Chicken from China Town
My mom's cornbread dressing
Soup!


Four things I am looking forward to this year:
My sister's new baby!
Being the healthiest I have ever been
Playing my guitar
Going to Rosemary Beach

Well, that was fun! I'd love to know some of your "fours" too! Put them in "Comments" or you can call or email me - since so many of you are averse to commenting! (I get it - I'm the same way - more of a "lurker"!)

"Real" blog to come soon!

Happy New Year!!