News Flash

I found out today that I got the job. Yeah, I know I didn't tell very many of you that I had interviewed for it. It's a part-time job at Sydney's new school. I'll be an "office assistant" (translation - "makin' copies!") 3 days a week. The principal apologetically told me that it's not a glamorous job and it doesn't pay very well. "Perfect!" I thought to myself. Seriously, that is just perfect for me. I mean, I'm not looking for a career. I already have two: mom and songwriter. I was just looking for a way to help out financially now that Syd will be in Kindergarten. I'm a little nervous to re-enter the work force (can I wear jeans? how will it feel to have a boss again?), but I'm looking forward to the camaraderie. I immediately liked the women who I will be working with. I feel very blessed to have gotten the offer, as there were many applicants. This may sound silly, but it feels really good to be chosen for something! In the songwriting world, getting turned down is something you get used to. Not that you ever LIKE getting turned down, it's just something that comes with the territory.

WHICH brings me to a little point of clarification. Last week when I wrote my two sentence blog, I wasn't trying to be cryptic. I just couldn't give a lot of details because feelings could have been hurt. I CAN tell you that it was a songwriting thing. It had to do with how difficult cuts are to come by in this business and how any and EVERY cut should be appreciated. But I'm over it now. I am trying to gracefully distance myself from the hoopla.

Lately I've been saying that if I wasn't FROM here, I'd be moving home. Maybe that's what this part-time job is for me. A way to take a break and re-group. A change of scenery. In a job where you see results for your hard work.

The weird thing is that the ideas keep coming. Stronger than ever. I guess my muse left a forwarding address.........

More proof that life does not always make sense:

When someone gets something that means nothing to them - that would have meant the world to you. Go figure.

Honestly

It's hard to know exactly how to follow last week's post. I feel like that was my Jerry Maguire "mission statement". (Which, by the way, comes pretty close to being the perfect movie in my book: football movie meets chick flick!)

Thank you for your supportive responses. (most in the form of phone calls and emails - you cyber rebels!) It felt good to be honest. After further thought, I've realized that honesty is what this is all about anyway. I mean, I've pretty much been living life how I want to - cooking, raising Sydney, loving Mark, deepening my friendships. And writing when I felt like it. But I told YOU what I thought you wanted to hear. That I was perfectly balancing the writing with the parenting. Pursuing it hard. Competing with the best of them. Truth is, I haven't had anything resembling a "full time" writer's schedule in 5 years. (a little bundle, who I instantly fell in love with, changed all that) I have had seasons of very prolific writing. And seasons of very little writing. But I have done the best that I can do. I have said this before: I hope the seeds that I have sown will take root and grow. I really do. But I can say that it feels good to have hope in the future - whether the future holds musical success, or not.

Now, if I continue to be honest, I have to say that all of this is easier said than done. I met Jennifer for lunch this week. She had read my blog and was graciously hashing things over with me. She caught me in a vulnerable moment. (partially attributed to the fact that I had just come from a kickboxing class where I had to put my head between my knees to keep from passing out! I didn't have the energy to be "upbeat"!) I confessed that I was sad and hurt about how some things in my career turned out. I told her how I was relieved to finally be letting some things go, but I couldn't help feeling a sense of loss. A sense of loss for how I THOUGHT things were supposed to work out. Because I was honest and because I let my guard down, we had one of the best discussions we've had in years. It was like old times. And she had such good perspective. She told me that my marriage is one of the most loving she has ever seen and that Syd is one of the most precious little girls she has ever known. She encouraged me to truly ENJOY my sweet little family.

And that is exactly what I plan to do.

Existence: Justified

I need to say something publicly. To the four of you. Okay, I think it's more like 20-25 of you who are so kind to read my blog. There is something I've been hearing myself say a lot lately. Maybe I've said it to you. I will be in a conversation and will say, "When Sydney starts Kindergarten in the Fall I will be able to have a normal writing schedule! I plan to write 3 or 4 days a week!" And inside I'm going, "Are you crazy?? I do NOT want to write anywhere near that much! Not songs, anyway." I think I say it to justify my existence. To prove that I'm a "professional writer." If I'm honest, I have to tell you that my heart pounds when I think about Syd starting Kindergarten. I don't often acknowledge how fulfilling it is being her mom. What I'm looking at is five long days a week. 8:00 to 3:00. I'm going to have a lot of time on my hands. And now that I have time to do what I THOUGHT I wanted to do, I'm not so sure it's what I want anymore.

Don't get me wrong. I will always be a songwriter. But I am re-defining exactly what that means for my life. When I was in California, I was telling Jules that there's something I love about the Hollywood mentality. Work hard for 3 or 4 months and then take a couple months off. It's the ebb and flow. I have loved writing for Julie's project. Writing FOR something. For me, it's so much more gratifying than writing just because I have an appointment. Again, don't get me wrong. I love writing when there's inspiration and a great idea, but I can't (won't, really) keep scheduling appointments just because it's what I think I should be doing.

So, here's the more accurate version of what next year will look like for me: I will write songs when I want to. When I feel like it. With my friends. And there will be times that I get inspired and will pull out my guitar and write some things by myself. I will spend a lot of time at Sam & Zoe's - blogging and writing fiction. And I will cook. Have I mentioned how much I love to cook? Probably not, because that doesn't sound very "cool." But I love it. I love dicing up garlic, onion, peppers and broccoli and stir frying them and concocting new sauces for my Chinese dishes. I love cooking my mom's recipes that she has lovingly written down for me in a cookbook. And I love cooking for other people. I love having people on our deck and in our kitchen and dining room. I love taking dinner to people who need a little help. Yes, there will be lots of cooking come Fall.

But I imagine next year will be busy. Much busier than I'm anticipating now. Jules' record will take off and I think (no, I BELIEVE) we will get some big film and television placements. We have purposely put all of our eggs in one basket. We have chosen to do things very differently than how they do it on Music Row. Things COULD still happen for me on Music Row. But it won't be because I have knocked myself out and jumped through hoops. I've been there, done that.

And down deep, I DO believe my existence is justified. According to God, anyway. And Mark and Sydney.

A Nun's Wisdom

Thirty three thousand feet above the rolling hills of Tennessee, anything seemed possible. It was two days ago and I was on a plane flying back from California. Julie and I had a great time. We had a good meeting with Northstar, we dreamed about the future and we shot some video footage. We drank wine and ate at little outdoor cafes and agreed it was the calm before the storm. The air crackled with possibility.

As the plane made its descent, I ached for Sydney and Mark, who would soon be in my arms. It felt so good to be HOME. But I can't say it felt great to be back in Nashville. Even before my baggage came, I was already thinking about all the things I should be doing. I should be playing my guitar. I don't have any writing sessions planned for this week and I really should be writing. I should be writing songs by myself. I should be going out to more shows. I should be networking more. Should, should, should.

I put all this pressure on myself. It is so hard to separate my life from my career. Even sitting here at Sam and Zoe's today, I am inundated by music business talk as snatches of conversations float my way. It makes me feel competitive. It makes me feel behind. But in reality, I have worked SO hard the past year and a half. At some point I have to trust that those seeds I've planted will grow. And will be something beautiful. There will always be something else I could or should be doing. But I wish I could enjoy my day to day life more. If only I could just let go of the "shoulds" and wholeheartedly go to the zoo with Syd and the art museum and cook for my friends and family and sit on the deck and catch up with my sweetheart.

I just remembered something that I can apply to my life through this stretch. In Brennan Manning's book "Lion and Lamb:the Relentless Tenderness of Jesus" he tells of a nun who greatly impacted his life. His favorite quote from her?

"Don't SHOULD on yourself!"

Amen, Sister!

Bittersweet

Have you noticed how the bad things happen right alongside the good things? I used to find it unnerving. But the older I get, I think I am just thankful that the good things are there at all. Here's what's on my mind:

I am very sad about the passing of Tim Russert. What a well-loved man. I'm glad his family got to spend time with him in Italy. And I'm glad he got to meet with the Pope. Apparently he collapsed while working on voice overs for Meet The Press. He truly LIVED right up until the moment of his death. And that inspires me. But I'm mostly just sad.

Mark and I laughed very hard today. Sydney and I had gone Father's Day shopping and to the Y and to Publix. I kept reminding Syd that the present was a secret until tomorrow. So we got home and I told Mark, "Hey, honey, I got you a little treat - one of those key lime pies from Publix!" And then, without missing a beat, Sydney goes, "AND we got you a WATCH from Target!" Mark and I couldn't stop chuckling in the kitchen while Sydney stood there looking at us asking, "What!? What's so funny??"

We are becoming friends with a family from Sydney's preschool. Meghan has breast cancer. Really bad. She is going through chemo before they can even do the surgery. Vivian is 3 and Will is 1. Bill is doing everything in his power to hold his little family together. It just occurred to me why Syd insisted on buying a head wrap at Target today. She was admiring Meghan's the other day. She also was admiring her bald head. Please pray for them if you think about it!

I wrote a MELODY the other night. Me, the lyricist. Just heard it in my head and plunked it out on my guitar. Making me think I have built this thing up in my mind to be a bigger deal than it really is. See, I had this delightful new co-writer from Pennsylvania on Thursday. (she reminds me of you, Elizabeth) After solving the world's problems for a couple hours, we wrote a lyric together. A good one. Such a good one that this little melody started haunting me. Laurie, my co-writer, was then able to "pick" it on the guitar - taking it to another level. (not that there's anything wrong with intermittent, clumsy strumming!) Next stop - writing a song, in its entirety, by myself!

See what I mean? Good, bad, good, bad. And so it goes.

There is a scene in one of my favorite movies, Shadowlands, where C.S. Lewis (played brilliantly by Anthony Hopkins) is lamenting the inevitability of his sick wife, Joy's, death. Joy (played by Debra Winger) says something to the effect of "but don't you see? The sadness THEN is because of the happiness NOW."

Life is bittersweet, indeed. But I can safely say that my life is way more sweet than bitter.

Parallel Life

After a year of anticipation, our vacation in Rosemary Beach is over. Just like that. I don't know where nine days went. One beautiful, sunny day melted into the next. And suddenly we found ourselves cleaning out the refrigerator and eating all the frozen things from the freezer. As Mama, Sydney and I consumed pizza and ice cream and fresh corn on the cob that last night, I vowed that next year we'll stay longer.

It was a weird year anyway. It was our third year to go to Rosemary, but this year Mark only stayed for half the week. Exciting stuff is happening in his world. It's just that the timing was a little unfortunate. Mark's first day of his new job at his OWN company is tomorrow. So he spent the latter part of last week moving furniture and computers and office supplies into this quaint, old house on Music Row. (Go check out hearitfirst.com) It's the beginning of a new era.

But if we could live a parallel life, we'd still be in Rosemary. You roll into town and the pace slows. And it is so beautiful. Sally went with us for the first half of the week and she said it reminded her of Italy! The biggest decisions we had to make every day were whether to go to the beach or the pool and where to eat dinner. It's like living in a movie. Kids ride their bikes all over town. Sydney feels like she owns the place. She is so comfortable there.

One night we sat at our favorite sidewalk cafe with David and Shelley and their extended family. The restaurant is right next to "the Western Green" and the ocean is just beyond that. As the sun slipped into the Gulf of Mexico, we watched as grown-ups milled around with glasses of wine and children ran and played on the green. We ate and drank and told stories. And laughed. It was a perfect night.

Shelley called when they got back this afternoon. To commiserate. She said, "One of us has GOT to get rich so we can stay down there all summer!" Amen, sister!

It's back to work for us tomorrow. But in a parallel life we're asking one another, "So, do you want to go to the beach or to the pool today? And what's for dinner?!"