Eulogy Of A Friendship

Most days I am able to accept the fact that we are not friends anymore. I remind myself that perhaps it is for the best and maybe it was inevitable. My attempts at reconciliation have been met with silence. Silence that is even worse than the angry words we lobbed back and forth. It feels like the silence of death. I try to remember the last words I said to you. They are not the words I would have used had I known it was the end. Had I known I would be staring down at the lifeless form that was once our friendship. I am certain of that.

Months have passed now and I no longer reach for the phone to tell you something funny. I make up excuses when my girl wants to invite your girl over to play. I can drive past your house on the way to somewhere else without scanning the kitchen window for signs of the family. I guess this is what divorce feels like. This time last year we were going to the lake and family dinners and girls' nights out. We shared stories and confidences and bottles of wine. Right up until the day that it all stopped. Maybe an autopsy would show that there were warning signs. But it's too late to talk about warning signs now. If they were there, they were missed. Pride and a sense of justice and an angry mother bear clouded any hope of good judgment.

Two or three nights a week, in my dreams, we are friends again. My naive subconscious picks up the shattered pieces and projects them as scenes from happier times. We are at the kitchen table laughing and our husbands are standing around the grill telling stories. Kids and dogs run in and out of the back door. Every once in a while I dream about the moment of reconciliation itself. I can't quite make out the words but I know they involve apologies and forgiveness. I wake up the next morning and for half a minute I believe the dreams are true. But before the relief can spread too far, my mind comes back to its senses.

I wrack my brain to figure out what any of us did that was horrible enough to lose a friendship over. Whatever point I was trying to prove in that moment was not worth it. My anger and hurt feelings in those days pale in comparison to the quiet, heavy sense of loss that has become part of my life.

Those dreams keep me from laying our friendship to rest. Something deep within me believes in miracles and believes the dreams are snapshots sent from God. Most days I can accept that we are not friends anymore, but I had the dream again last night. So today is not one of those days. Today, apologies and forgiveness actually seem possible.