News Flash

I found out today that I got the job. Yeah, I know I didn't tell very many of you that I had interviewed for it. It's a part-time job at Sydney's new school. I'll be an "office assistant" (translation - "makin' copies!") 3 days a week. The principal apologetically told me that it's not a glamorous job and it doesn't pay very well. "Perfect!" I thought to myself. Seriously, that is just perfect for me. I mean, I'm not looking for a career. I already have two: mom and songwriter. I was just looking for a way to help out financially now that Syd will be in Kindergarten. I'm a little nervous to re-enter the work force (can I wear jeans? how will it feel to have a boss again?), but I'm looking forward to the camaraderie. I immediately liked the women who I will be working with. I feel very blessed to have gotten the offer, as there were many applicants. This may sound silly, but it feels really good to be chosen for something! In the songwriting world, getting turned down is something you get used to. Not that you ever LIKE getting turned down, it's just something that comes with the territory.

WHICH brings me to a little point of clarification. Last week when I wrote my two sentence blog, I wasn't trying to be cryptic. I just couldn't give a lot of details because feelings could have been hurt. I CAN tell you that it was a songwriting thing. It had to do with how difficult cuts are to come by in this business and how any and EVERY cut should be appreciated. But I'm over it now. I am trying to gracefully distance myself from the hoopla.

Lately I've been saying that if I wasn't FROM here, I'd be moving home. Maybe that's what this part-time job is for me. A way to take a break and re-group. A change of scenery. In a job where you see results for your hard work.

The weird thing is that the ideas keep coming. Stronger than ever. I guess my muse left a forwarding address.........

More proof that life does not always make sense:

When someone gets something that means nothing to them - that would have meant the world to you. Go figure.

Honestly

It's hard to know exactly how to follow last week's post. I feel like that was my Jerry Maguire "mission statement". (Which, by the way, comes pretty close to being the perfect movie in my book: football movie meets chick flick!)

Thank you for your supportive responses. (most in the form of phone calls and emails - you cyber rebels!) It felt good to be honest. After further thought, I've realized that honesty is what this is all about anyway. I mean, I've pretty much been living life how I want to - cooking, raising Sydney, loving Mark, deepening my friendships. And writing when I felt like it. But I told YOU what I thought you wanted to hear. That I was perfectly balancing the writing with the parenting. Pursuing it hard. Competing with the best of them. Truth is, I haven't had anything resembling a "full time" writer's schedule in 5 years. (a little bundle, who I instantly fell in love with, changed all that) I have had seasons of very prolific writing. And seasons of very little writing. But I have done the best that I can do. I have said this before: I hope the seeds that I have sown will take root and grow. I really do. But I can say that it feels good to have hope in the future - whether the future holds musical success, or not.

Now, if I continue to be honest, I have to say that all of this is easier said than done. I met Jennifer for lunch this week. She had read my blog and was graciously hashing things over with me. She caught me in a vulnerable moment. (partially attributed to the fact that I had just come from a kickboxing class where I had to put my head between my knees to keep from passing out! I didn't have the energy to be "upbeat"!) I confessed that I was sad and hurt about how some things in my career turned out. I told her how I was relieved to finally be letting some things go, but I couldn't help feeling a sense of loss. A sense of loss for how I THOUGHT things were supposed to work out. Because I was honest and because I let my guard down, we had one of the best discussions we've had in years. It was like old times. And she had such good perspective. She told me that my marriage is one of the most loving she has ever seen and that Syd is one of the most precious little girls she has ever known. She encouraged me to truly ENJOY my sweet little family.

And that is exactly what I plan to do.

Existence: Justified

I need to say something publicly. To the four of you. Okay, I think it's more like 20-25 of you who are so kind to read my blog. There is something I've been hearing myself say a lot lately. Maybe I've said it to you. I will be in a conversation and will say, "When Sydney starts Kindergarten in the Fall I will be able to have a normal writing schedule! I plan to write 3 or 4 days a week!" And inside I'm going, "Are you crazy?? I do NOT want to write anywhere near that much! Not songs, anyway." I think I say it to justify my existence. To prove that I'm a "professional writer." If I'm honest, I have to tell you that my heart pounds when I think about Syd starting Kindergarten. I don't often acknowledge how fulfilling it is being her mom. What I'm looking at is five long days a week. 8:00 to 3:00. I'm going to have a lot of time on my hands. And now that I have time to do what I THOUGHT I wanted to do, I'm not so sure it's what I want anymore.

Don't get me wrong. I will always be a songwriter. But I am re-defining exactly what that means for my life. When I was in California, I was telling Jules that there's something I love about the Hollywood mentality. Work hard for 3 or 4 months and then take a couple months off. It's the ebb and flow. I have loved writing for Julie's project. Writing FOR something. For me, it's so much more gratifying than writing just because I have an appointment. Again, don't get me wrong. I love writing when there's inspiration and a great idea, but I can't (won't, really) keep scheduling appointments just because it's what I think I should be doing.

So, here's the more accurate version of what next year will look like for me: I will write songs when I want to. When I feel like it. With my friends. And there will be times that I get inspired and will pull out my guitar and write some things by myself. I will spend a lot of time at Sam & Zoe's - blogging and writing fiction. And I will cook. Have I mentioned how much I love to cook? Probably not, because that doesn't sound very "cool." But I love it. I love dicing up garlic, onion, peppers and broccoli and stir frying them and concocting new sauces for my Chinese dishes. I love cooking my mom's recipes that she has lovingly written down for me in a cookbook. And I love cooking for other people. I love having people on our deck and in our kitchen and dining room. I love taking dinner to people who need a little help. Yes, there will be lots of cooking come Fall.

But I imagine next year will be busy. Much busier than I'm anticipating now. Jules' record will take off and I think (no, I BELIEVE) we will get some big film and television placements. We have purposely put all of our eggs in one basket. We have chosen to do things very differently than how they do it on Music Row. Things COULD still happen for me on Music Row. But it won't be because I have knocked myself out and jumped through hoops. I've been there, done that.

And down deep, I DO believe my existence is justified. According to God, anyway. And Mark and Sydney.